Tuesday, May 31, 2011

persevere in prayer

No doubt about it.....this week was a rough week for me.  My running week goes from Monday to Sunday.  This way I have two weekend days to ensure I get all my runs in.

Monday may 23rd.

Today was supposed to be one of my cross training days.  I was going to ride bike.  Well, I don't have a bike, and when I went to get on my husbands I noticed it had a flat tire.  It was also raining, and I just could not face going out in the rain.  My shin still hurts quite a bit, but I'm not limping....so that is good.  Needless to say I didn't make it out the door to ride bike, so I told myself I would do tae-bo later in the day for my cross training.....yeah that didn't happen either.  So I went to bed tonight feeling frustrated and discouraged.  Injuries are hard on me, they completely take the wind out of my sails.  I just know tomorrow will be a better day.

Tuesday May 24th

The alarm goes off at 5:50 am, and I shut it off.  I woke up an hour later and rushed to get the kids up/ready lunches made, breakfast fed, and out the door  to the bus.  I knew I had to run this evening.  With my last weekend off due to the shin injury and missing yesterday, I had three days in a row off.  NOT good.  So I prayed that I would find a way to get myself to go to the track.  I was emailing a friend back and forth, and asked her to meet me at the track.  She said she would.  That is so good for me.  I will go if someone is counting on me....but to just go by myself with the way I am feeling,  well it is hard.  So anyway,  I met my friend at the track at 515pm and did my run.  I felt pretty good as far as my breathing, but my shin was quite sore.  I did run through the pain, and got my full twenty minutes in.  I am always amazed at the people God puts in my life....just when I need them.   My friend Jill is the ultimate cheerleader.  She kept telling me how good I was doing and that I was making such great progress, and I really need to hear that, because I tend to beat myself up at times.  I think I should be doing more, or be faster than where I am.  I shouldn't be injured, I should have never let myself get this out of shape.  I should just suck it up and deal with it.  I don't usually give myself the credit for just being out there and running.  I am my worst critic,  I always have been. Jill was telling me, how I inspired her.  I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around that, because I feel that I should be so much further than I am.   God knows me well, and he seems to send the right friend or person that I need to put things back in perspective for me.   So today I thank God for all his love and mercy he shows me daily, and I thank Jill for being his arms and feet for me today.

Yes today was weigh in day, and I didn't lose any weight.  I will be honest,  I haven't been eating as healthy. I am also stressed, and when I am stressed my body holds onto weight for dear life.  Oh well, at least I'm still running!

Wednesday May 25th.

I actually got up out of bed today!!! YAY!  that is a huge victory for me after the last few days.  I went to the track and had an okay run .  Yes my shin is still giving me grief, but I was able to run with it.  I lifted up my prayers for my dad today.  He is facing some pretty scary health issues, and I have been talking with him daily.  It is hard to live hours away from your family sometimes.  I'm a doer.  I like to be there, go to appointments, talk with the doctors, and walk with my dad, but now that I live far away, I can't.  I talk to him on the phone, and talk with some of the doctors on the phone.  My sister and I talk a lot, because she is the one doing all the running with him,  but I still feel helpless.  When I've spent the majority of my life being a helper, and to know that there is nothing I can do is frustrating.  Then I realized I was doing something,  I was praying, and I was putting my father's health in my God's Hands.  That is more than I could do if I was there with him.  Whatever the outcome of my dad's physical health.  I can help his spiritual health, by praying for him and with him.  So  I keep pushing forward in my running and in my pain, and I lift it all up for a bigger purpose than myself.  It is in some ways like finding a freedom I've never known.  The pain (physical and emotional)  is still there, but when you lift it up in prayer for a greater cause, there is also peace.

Thursday May 26th

Today was supposed to be a cross training day, and it didn't happen.

Friday May 27th

I got up this morning, and made it to the track.  I was having a pretty good run.  Yes my shin still hurt, but not to the point of slowing my run.  As I was finishing my prayers towards the end of my run,  I see my hubby hooting and hollering at me as he came down to the track.  He joined me on my last lap.  He first tells me that I am looking a lot stronger from the last time we ran together which was about three weeks ago.  Then he kinda fell behind me, and promptly informed me that I have a "form" problem.   My running form is apparently not right.  He says I kick my right foot way out to the side.  I know this,  I have always ran like this.  I used to get teased about it in high school.  Of course in high school, I would just go out and beat the people teasing me, and then I would say  "I may run funny....but I can still beat you."  and then I would give them a playful smile.  Well needless to say, I can't beat anyone right now, and poor form could be contributing to my issues with my shin.   So I am going to try to not kick my leg out when I run.  How do you change something that you've done for 36 years?  (yes I've been running since I was 9 months old)
I finished my last lap, and told Steve I would see him later.  All the while trying to visualize how I was going to accomplish this great task of changing my form.  Lord help me!

Sat May 28th

I didn't get out today either.  Yes I am struggling this week.

Sunday May 29th

I did get out to the track this afternoon.  My legs felt like lead.  They were really heavy.  I was also concentrating really hard on not kicking my foot out to the side.  I did pretty good.  I have noticed when I am tired it is harder to control.  As I was running, about 15 minutes in my right hip just completely cramped up on me.  I think I was trying so hard to use proper form and somehow that affected my hip.  I had to stop running and walk for the last 5 minutes.  I was feeling disappointed in myself because I only got four days in this week.  However, I made myself take a step back and realize that I actually got out and ran 4 days this week.  That is a big accomplishment.  We have been really busy, and I have been under a great deal of stress.  I know even a few months ago, I wouldn't have got out at all.  So yes, it was not my best week, but in some ways it was a great victory for me, because despite everything going on,  I got four days in.  I'm not going to beat myself up on this one.  I just need to try harder next week.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Discouragement will not prevail

Sunday May 15 Speed is my friend

I was feeling pretty good today.  After such a great run yesterday, I was feeling high on life!  I got up to run before church.  I headed out, and started in on my prayers.  I was running a long, really didn't have any pain, and my breathing was at a comfortable tempo.  I was about half way through my course around the neighborhood, and I noticed I made it to this point in my run quicker than ever before.  Needless to say I got pretty excited....could I actually be getting faster?  YIPPPEEEE!  I tried not to focus on my pace and focus back on my prayers.  It wasn't easy,  the competitor in me was like maybe if I keep going a little faster, I could blow past my normal point of finishing.  Then the cautious side of my brain kicked in, "I shouldn't push it to hard....I don't want to injure myself. and back and forth I went.  I finally was able to snap out of my internal argument, and focus back on my prayers and just run.  When I was about a hundred yards out, I looked down at my watch, and realized I was about 2 and 1/2 min ahead of where I normally was.  I  kept my pace steady and kept going, right past my normal stopping point.  I have to be honest,  I was smiling!  I really truly enjoyed going faster than before.  I kicked it in hard the last 30 seconds, and ran probably about a 1/4 of a mile more than I normally did.  I don't know how to explain it, but I love the feeling I get when I've pushed myself to a knew level.  I love knowing I've pushed through my earlier barriers.  It is truly exhilarating! All this excitement over a quarter of a mile!  Yes it is the little things in life that make me happy! I enjoyed my walk home (5min cool down)!  What a great day!

Monday May 16th

When the alarm went off this morning..... I was still exhausted.  I have not been sleeping well the last week or so.  For whatever reason I wake up every hour on the hour!  I toss and turn and just can not seem to get comfortable.   I really did not want to get up, but after hitting snooze a couple of times,  I rolled out of bed.  I ran in my neighborhood again, for the sake of time.   As I was running today, I felt no where near as good as yesterday.  My legs were heavy, and my shin was hurting, not bad, but hurting.  I was a little surprised by that because my right shin hasn't hurt in over a week, and my left one hadn't hurt for at least a couple days. I started on my warm-up walk and was feeling very lethargic!  When it came time to start jogging, it took every fiber of my being to get myself to pick up the pace.  I started my prayers and slowly was able to forget about my protesting body.  I was hoping to up my time up to 25 min. a day this week, but decided with the way I was feeling not to.  I did get my full  twenty minutes in though.  Today was one of those days where I felt like I was in the trenches.  No major spiritual inspiration, no good pace, and my body felt like it was about to go on strike.  I did it though, and I just have to find my inspiration in that.

Tues May 17th Weigh in day

 I woke this morning feeling slightly more rested than yesterday.  I went to the track today, since I was having some pain in my shin, I figured I better run on a flat surface today.  When I arrived at the track their was a baby/young deer trapped in a fenced area right next to the track.  He entered into this area from an open gate on the other side of the track, and must have forgot how he got in.  The poor little thing was jumping into the fences and trying to get free.  I could see it knocking itself to the ground every time it would jump into the fence.  My heart just broke for the poor baby.  I had to help, but wasn't sure how.  I realized if I could chase him towards the open gate, he could run free.  I didn't want to just jump the fence, and get my self trapped between the fence and a freaked out deer.  So I wandered around and was able to find someone who worked at the school.  He unlocked the gate, and we chased the deer towards the open gate, and away he went!  I was happy to set the sweet thing free.  However, that took about 15 minutes away from my running time, and with a tight morning schedule, I knew I had to not run as long as normal.  I did run for about 10 minutes, and then took what extra time I had left to stretch really good.  I was thinking that maybe that is why I was so sore yesterday, I did not stretch the best on Sunday.  I also knew when I got home, I had to face the scale.  So I finished stretching and headed home.  I get on the scale hoping for a two pound weight loss, and was disappointed.  I lost 1 pound this week.   I tried to find comfort in the fact that I lost weight, but I was hoping for more.  It is times like these that I am so glad that I am running for more than just weight loss.  I would be quite frustrated if that was the only reason I was running.  However, knowing that my prayers and running could save an innocent baby, helps put it in perspective for me.

Wed May 18th

I took today off.  I had my first book club mtg last night, and it was a blast!  I have such a wonderful group of ladies, and we had such a great discussion.  The book we read was Heaven is for real, by Todd Burpo.  It was a great book, and a wonderful night of faith sharing.  Everyone left about 930pm, and then I had clean-up.  I didn't get to bed until close to 11, and knew that there was no way I would get out of bed.  So I decided Wed would be my day off.

Thurs. May 19th.

I felt much better this morning, when I got up.  The day of rest did my weary body good.  My shin was feeling pretty good this morning, but I decided to go to the track anyway.  I did my warm-up, and then started on my way.  My prayers came easy this morning. I didn't have much trouble with being distracted in my prayers, I always love days when I don't have to battle to focus on them.  I felt good, and I was running along at a good pace, faster than normal, and it felt really good.  There is something about running on a track for me.  I love the smell, I love the feel of it, I just love it!  I think it is nostalgic for me of the "glory days."  Anyway,  I was plugging along and  when I looked at my watch, I saw I was running at close to a ten minute mile pace (which for me is good right now)  I knew I had 400m left to reach two mile in twenty minutes.  The problem was I had a little less than two minutes left.  Now if someone would have told the younger me, that I would one day think that a two minute quarter was fast..... I would have laughed at them.   However, now I know for me that is fast......no more 55 second quarters for me.  I made the decision to give it my all.  I took off as fast as I could, only thinking of the time on my watch and the distance to the finish line.  At about the two hundred meter point I was feeling pretty winded, but I knew I only had 220 m left.  I pushed on, and the 100m mark,  I pulled out what my husband has termed as the "Corbin Kick" Corbin is my maiden name, and Steve always loved watching me run track in high-school, and he seemed to be tickled by my kick at the end of my races.  I love finishing strong....I always have.  There is no better feeling than pushing it and putting it all out there just to finish strong.  It is so empowering!  I looked at my watch as I crossed the finish line.....I DID IT!!!   YAY!!!   
Even though I was completely winded during my cool down lap, I know I had a cheesy grin plastered on my face.  If there had been any bystanders, they probably would have thought I was a little coo-coo, but I was happy.

Friday May 20th

Another tough day.....hard to get out of bed, and get going, but my "victory" at the track inspired me to get out and go.  I ran in the neighborhood today.  I hit snooze one to many times to make it to the track, and my shin was not feeling to bad.  I start on my run and start in on my prayers.  At first my left shin, and my left knee hurt, but as I ran they warmed up.  I checked my watch at the mid-point in my neighborhood loop, and noticed that once again I was ahead of schedule...... "I'm on a roll!"  I thought. At this point, I'm getting all jazzed up again.  The competitive juices are flowing, and I'm thinking, maybe i can beat my last faster stopping point 100m.  I had at that moment set the goal, and picked up my pace a little.  As I approach the original stopping point,  I smile....knowing that I am kicking my own butt!  I love it!  As I blow by the second stopping point, by utilizing the "Corbin kick"  I smile knowing that I will make my goal of stopping  100m past the last point.  As I cross my imaginary finish line, and start my cool down I notice my shin is a little sore again....I thought  " I'll have to be sure to ice that when I get home."  I get home and get the kids of to school, and take the time to ice my shin before the daycare kids come.  I noticed as the day progressed that I would get these weird shooting pains through my shin.  That was odd, because usually it only hurts when I run.  I took Ibuprofen twice today.....I think I might have pushed a little too hard.  This is something that I have always struggled with..... my competitive nature takes over, and I don't really pay attention to any pain in my body.  Let's hope I didn't really hurt myself.

Sat. May 21st.

I LOVE sleeping in on Saturdays.  Of course sleeping in for me is 8am.  I still enjoy it none the less.  I got up to get the kids breakfast, and noticed that when I put weight on my left leg, there was a considerable amount of pain in my shin, and my knee.  Enough pain that I was limping.  I was going to attempt a twenty minute run today, so I took some Ibuprofen, and Iced my shin right away.  It seemed to get better for about an hour.  I decided that I should probably rest today.  The last thing I need to do is get myself out of commission.  I have to be honest though,  it is really discouraging for me.  I finally feel like I am making progress.  I finally am starting to remember why I love to be a competitor, and I hurt myself!  I could SCREAM!!!!!

Sun May 22nd.

I woke up early this morning.  Sarah(2) was up during the night, and I realized we were out of milk.  I knew I would have to get to the store and get some so the kids could eat before church.  I put on my running shoes, and headed out to the store.  I realized while I was shopping that my shin seemed to be in less pain when I had my shoes on. I hope that is a good sign.  I get home get kids breakfast, get them ready for church, hurry up and get myself ready for church, and we head out the door.   I'm wearing heels, and as I'm walking to the car I notice I can't walk without limping!  Great!  Church went good, and then we get home.  I just know that with the pain I am in that I can't run again today.  That means I have taken three days off this week.  I start freaking out, thinking "I'm gonna lose everything I worked so hard for."  I wanted to run a 5k on June 3rd here in Fergus, but now that is not looking likely.  I,m trying really hard not to be discouraged.  I decide to call my other  Coach.  Steve is my immediate coach,  I run my daily thoughts/concerns and plans by him.  My brother-in-law Pat is my Coach/Coach.  He is a little more objective and can help me pull back when I need to.  We put together a game plan.  I will continue the Ice/Ibuprofen regimen, and I will change two of my running days to cross training. (Biking)  I guess I was supposed to be only running 5 days a week and doing 1 cross training day already.....OOOPS.  I was running six days a week.  So for the next couple weeks or until this pain lets up.  I will be doing 4 days of running and two of cross training.  I feel better after having a game plan.  At least I know I am not completely out of commission.  It is times like this when I remember why I named my blog "I am more."  I am more than a number on the scale, or an injured player, or a slow, overweight women.  I am God's child.  He loves me, and despite these minor set backs,  I will prevail!  Because I am doing this through Christ.  It is not about me,  it is about what I can do in his name, for him. 
So, tomorrow I embark on the next phase......cross training and healing.  I ask for your prayers, that I may heal from this injury in a timely manner, and get back on track.....For God's Glory, not my own.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

35 minutes!!!!!!!

Today is my long run.  Steve says that a long run should be double of what you are doing daily.  I know I didn't even want to attempt forty minutes, so I settled on 35 minutes.  It was five minutes longer than I had ever run before, and I felt it was reasonable for a longer run.  Steve is running a half-marathon today in Brookings SD,  with a group of other LIFE runners.  My hope was to get up and run while he was running, and pray for him during his race.  However, It was raining and I did not want to go out in the rain.  So I ate some oatmeal, waited for a while, and then went on my run.  Sometimes when I run, I pray for the unborn, other times I pray I don't die, and other times I pray for whatever is on my heart.  Today a friend was on my heart to pray for, so I did.  As I was praying, I found myself completely distracted.  My mind kept wandering to me and my journey.....running is really becoming a time of introspection for me.  Anyway I remember hearing that St Therese (I think) said when you are distracted in prayer, to pray about what is distracting you, so I did.  As I was praying I began to realize the pride I have had in my ability to keep getting knocked down by life, and just get right back up.  I have always been able to just pull myself up by the boot straps and keep going, even to the point of making myself sick.  I realized however, that the times I was getting up, I was doing it for me, or my kids, or my husband, or just to prove someone wrong!  I thought about my competitive spirit, about how I love to win, and how I like to be good at things, and about the times that has come in handy.  I  thought about how completely strong willed I am, and how at times in my life, I have vowed NO ONE will break my spirit.  I realized that there was a time in my life where I needed that spirit, and know that it helped me overcome many things.  The thing that stuck out at me the most though is that much of that was focused on me.  I realized now that I need to get up for Jesus, I need to fight only to love my Lord.  By putting him on the throne of my life, instead of me, I can do all these things and more, and do more than survive,  I can LIVE!  Last weekend I went to the life in the spirit seminar at my church, and Fr Greg had talked about having Jesus in your life, but not on the throne of your life.  He asked us, Who is on your throne? I remember thinking, that it was my husband and children that were on my throne.  I put them first in everything I do.  I love them with all my soul.  There are days when I think of nothing but them.  I thought to myself "well at least, I'm not on my own throne...... at least I'm thinking of someone else, right" Well, I realized today that my family is mine, and therefore I am still being on my throne, and then God pressed upon my heart that.....no my family is his, and to truly love them, like I desire to love them,  he has to be on the throne.  My love is imperfect, and his is perfect, it only makes logical sense that I could love them better by putting him first.  It amazes me, that I have known this throughout my whole life.  I've had a deep faith and love of Jesus my whole life.  I've been told this many times,  but for the first time.......I think I truly got it.  Some would call that understanding, which is a gift of the Holy Spirit.  I am humbled and in awe.....

I have to say that was a pretty awesome way to spend 35 minutes of running!  I love it!

I will praise you in this storm!

Friday May 6th.... I took today off.

Sat  May 7th.

 I got up at 7am today and did my run in the morning.  I am attending a Life in the spirit Seminar at Church today, I started the retreat last evening.  If anyone has ever gone on retreat you know they are wonderful, yet exhausting!  I also stayed late on Friday to pray with a couple of friends.  I didn't feel like driving to the track today, so I ran in our neighborhood.  Where I live it is extremely hilly.  Not really a flat route that I can run, but I walked for five minutes, and then started on my 20 minute jog.  My shins actually were not to bad.  The run went smoothly for the most part.  I started my prayers and away I went.  I as a woman and a mother, am the queen of multitasking.  I know most women can relate.  You learn how to juggle about 10 things at once.  The down side to this as that soon even when all is quite, I am still multitasking in my mind!  I'm usually thinking about 10 things at once.  This makes it harder for me to concentrate, and fully enter into my prayers,  so I have started praying out loud as I run.  This helps me to focus more completely on my prayers.  I will say this has caused me to get a few strange looks!  Here I am jogging(extremely slow)  panting like I'm dying, and praying!  Our Father......deep winded breath.....who art in heaven.......even deeper winded breath.  I think you get the idea!  Oh well!  At least I am getting my prayers in!  As hard as it is sometimes for me to get out and go for a run.....I am beginning to find it extremely therapeutic! 

and the journey continues......

Sunday May 8th.  (mothers day)

 I was woken up this morning by the smoke alarm.  As I peer out my bedroom door looking frantic,  my husband and three oldest children inform me.....its all good,  everything is okay,  go back to bed.  I obeyed  knowing that they were trying to cook me breakfast in bed.  Apparently my 6 year old (Sam) put toast in the toaster, and cranked the toaster to as high as it would go, thus burning  the toast to all smithereens!  After breakfast I embarked on a scavenger hunt for my mothers day present.  We rushed to church, and then the committee (Hear our Voices) that I started was handing out roses as a way to honor all mothers, and accepted a free will donation for raising funds!  The day went quickly, and by time I got my grocery lists and meal plans for the week made.  It was almost 3 o'clock.  Steve had left for his long run, and it had begun to downpour, so I went to look for him.  Long story short, by time I got grocery's it was 5pm.  I was going to go for my longer run, but decided to take the day off.  I had gotten 5 days in already, and felt that my shins could use the rest.

Monday May 9th

I decided to start running in the mornings this week.  It was just getting to hard to squeeze it all in the evenings.  For as much as I love food,  I also love my bed!  I HATE getting up in the mornings to go for a run.  I have found however, that when I make myself do it,  I have more energy throughout the day, and I'm happier during the day.  Exercise is truly good for my soul.  I don't like it, but when I do it, I feel so good.  I managed to only hit the snooze once, and then was able to roll out of bed.  My shins felt great this morning.  They didn't hurt me at all my entire run.  I chose to run in the neighborhood for the sake of time.   I had to be home by 650am to get the kids up, lunches made, kids ready, breakfast eaten, and off to the bus stop by 730am. Mornings are always CRAZY!  My 11 yr old (Brianna) and my 6 year old (Sam)  love to take about 15 minutes just to stretch and wake up.  My 7 yr old (Mary) thankfully usually jumps right up and starts getting ready.  I also have a new baby starting at the daycare today.  Anytime a new child starts, the first three weeks to a month,  can be challenging.  I was so glad to have my run done after work today, because I was just exhausted.  Plus I had a business proposal/dinner with a friend tonight, so I would not have been able to run anyway!

Some days I find my life so busy, that it feels I hardly have time to take a breath. Maybe that is why, despite the pain and the humiliation of how slow I am, I am beginning to enjoy my runs.  It is slowly becoming my sanity time...to pray and just have a small window of time where I am not being beckoned by others.

Sanity time is a good thing!

Tuesday May 10th.

Today is weigh in day......uuuggghhh.  Part of this journey for me is hopefully to lose weight.  I have to admit, at times I obsess over the scale.  So I have put a rule in place to weigh myself in once a week.  I was feeling good about things,  I got 5 days of running in (goal is 6),  I had practiced portion control, and drank a lot of water.  I have found that I am TERRIBLE at dieting.  I am learning ways to change my eating though.  Here are some things I've done this week that have helped me to not feel like I was dieting.  I drink a full glass of water before each meal.....helps me to feel fuller.  I have also eliminated drinking any calories.  I only drink water....8-12 glasses a day.  I LOVE bread!  I eat sandwiches like crazy, so I switched to a 12 grain light bread....immediately cutting my calories in half with each sandwich.  I also switched from real butter to whipped butter (half the calories) or butter spray....no calories!  I stopped using the light ranch, and switched to the Ranch dressing spray. I know if I can get rid of ranch dressing, anyone can.  I used to transform my lovely vegetables in my salad into, Ranch soup.  The one thing I have found I can't give up is cheese.  It is my favorite food, so I just weigh it and allow my self only 2 oz., instead of half a block (portion control).  I also eat two Slim fast bars a day.  They taste like candy, and are 100 calories.  It helps me feel like I am not going without.  So when I stepped on the scale this morning, my hope was to lose 2 lbs.  My goal is 2lb a week, that is what they say is healthy weight loss. I step on the scale, and I lost 3 lbs! YAY!!!!  I was so excited.  So it was a good day.......

Wednesday May 11th

I was REALLY tired this morning.  I had a hard time getting out of bed.  I did not want to run at all!  I think I hit snooze twice already, and was contemplating not getting up.  I said a prayer, and God gave me the will to drag my weary butt out of bed. I usually walk a 5 minute warm-up before I go for a run, today I looked at my watch and realized I was still walking 8 minutes in.  I knew I had to start running, so I told myself just to go for getting 15 minutes in.  So I start running.  My legs were heavy and it felt almost like I was running in place.  I could just envision myself running through wet cement.  With each step my legs seemed to get heavier and heavier.  I shook it off, and started in with my prayers.  The next time I looked at my watch I was 13 minutes into my run, and I knew that I could go the full 20 minutes.  I know I ran a slower pace than normal, because I did not make it as far in my route around the neighborhood.  I did make the time limit though, and I am happy with that.  There would have been times in the past where I would have just stopped.  No matter how tired and icky I felt,  I kept going.  So I consider today a victory!  Praise God!

Thurs May 12.

I took the day off

Friday May 13th.

When I started on my run today, I lifted up my heavy heart in prayer.  I reflected on how I was feeling on Wed. and Thurs.  I have had a tough situation arise for me personally.  Usually when I am faced with stress, I go into survival mode.  I react kinda like a turtle....I stop what I am doing and tuck myself safely into my shell.  Survival mode for me means  doing what needs to be done, but retreating  from all other things that take my energy, so I can focus on the "crisis".  I just kept saying to God, I am sorry I don't feel it with my heart, but my head is choosing to trust in you, and praise you in this storm.  As I ran, and as I prayed,  I felt the burden begin to lift.  It is amazing, I am still facing the same situation, the same unknowns (which I really despise), but I am feeling better.  I am a person who is usually ruled by my heart.  I love deeply, I hurt deeply, I laugh from deep within my soul, and I get angry with every fiber of my being.  But here I am, making a decision with my head, taking out the feelings, and relying on the facts (That I can always trust in Jesus), and I feel better!  I love it!  I know that feeling things so deeply, and the compassion I feel for others is a gift,  but I realize now, that when those "feelings" start bringing me down, that clinging to the facts,  That Jesus loves me, and I can trust him, can bring me back up.  I ended my run with immense joy in my heart.  I am so thankful for the love of my Savior!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

training to train day 4

Today was TERRIBLE.  One of the things that is the hardest for me when it comes to running, is forcing myself to carve out the time to run.  Raising four children, running my own business, starting/overseeing pro-life committees and book clubs, take up a lot of my time.  There are days, when I am reasonably able to get out for a run,  and other days I feel like I am digging out from under a million pounds of stuff, just to get my foot out the door!  Steve had to work late, the kids were fighting,  messing up the house,  after I just cleaned it.  This is a daily occurrence,  no matter how many times I pick something up,  it seems to get messy again.....aaaahhhhhh!  So anyway, as you can see just getting my run in today was a battle. 

I managed to slip away, and get to the track.  Running on the flat track the last couple days, seemed to help with my shin splints.  They haven't been hurting as bad the last two nights.  I start my warm-up lap with a sense of accomplishment, because I actually managed to get a run in,  it was gonna be a good run, or so I thought.  After my warm up, I ease in to my jog and start my prayers. Steve always shared with me that he prays when he runs.  At first I thought, that's a good idea, I'll try it.  I am beginning to realize now that I need it!  Praying is the ONLY thing that keeps me running at times. Not even five minutes in, not only did my shins hurt, but my heels, ankle, and knees were killing me.  I haven't had any trouble with my knees so that was a little worrisome.  You see, i am training to train right now.  I need to be able to run 3 miles a day to actually start my half marathon training.  I'm lucky to be at 1.5 to 2 miles, depending on how I am feeling. I have attempted to train many other times for a half marathon, and have always fallen short.  Usually because I injure myself.  I have a tendency to push too hard, and try to do more than my body is capable of.  The advice I have been given is to listen to my body.  I'll be honest, that is confusing to me, because my body says SIT DOWN!  I AM NOT DOING THIS!  I struggle with knowing what is "good pain" that I can push through, and get stronger, and what is a warning of an injury to come. 

I was only able to run 15 minutes today, and have decided to take tomorrow off. I hope a day of rest will help soothe my sore muscles.  If anyone out there has a way to differentiate between  the pains I am experiencing, please feel free to comment.  I could use the information.

Another day of putting one foot in front of the other!

Victory Day! Day 3

Today was what Steve would call a "victory day".  I did not want to go for a run at ALL!  I only got three hours of sleep, because my youngest (age almost 2) was up a good share of the night.  We have strep throat going through our house.  When you have four kids, and run an in-home daycare theses things seem to spread quickly....despite my never ending efforts to sanitize and disinfect!

I also got some information today that put me in my "stress zone."  One of the things I have learned about myself over the years is that not only do I love food,  I am a total emotional eater.  When you add together stress and exhaustion,  I wanted to curl up on the couch, watch a movie, drink A&W root beer, and eat popcorn and Reese's peanut butter cups.....aaahhhhh comfort food.

I said a prayer, resisted the temptation, and headed for the track!  The good thing about running when I am stressed out is that I don't focus on the physical pain  near as much.  I spent most of my run tonight praying and processing unwanted information.  My 20 minutes seemed to go by quickly as I prayed and had a heart to heart with the big man upstairs!  My emotions ranged from anger, frustration, to acceptances and then finally some peace, as I placed all of it in his hands.  Now this may sound simple, but for me it is not.  I don't trust easily, yes even God.  As silly as that sounds to say,  I've spent my life giving/caring and loving others,  yet not trusting many to do the same for me. 

The reason I have started this blog, is because I feel that the Holy spirit has prompted me to do so.  I still am a little shocked that I am typing all this stuff for others to see.  Making my self vulnerable in such a public manner in my mind is well, a little insane! However, I feel God is calling me to something ( no idea yet what it is), and somehow this will help me get there.

So I keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other.....Learning how to trust.

Punishment Day 2

Tonight, my hubby informed me that to really help me in my training,  that I should incorporate a speed workout into my week.  My initial thought was, "Speed?,  that no longer should be in the same sentence with my name",  however I chose to listen to him.  Steve is my husband, best friend, coach, biggest fan, and biggest critic all rolled into one.  To say that the coach/trainee relationship is interesting, is well an understatement.

I had visited with him earlier in the day about my concerns regarding the pain I have been feeling in my shins in particular.  Did I tell you that Steve is also my personal research assistant?  I love this man!  He gets right on line, and googles....shin splints and then formulates the best way for me to proceed. The regimen will consist of icing, ibuprofen, and running on flat surfaces only.  So off we went to the track.

When we arrived,  Steve smiles at me the most dazzling smile, and gives me a playful wink and says "I am going to punish you"   WHAT???  I'm thinking...I've given birth to your four children, cook for you, clean for you, do your laundry, and love and support you each and every day, and this is what I get?  HOW RUDE!

Once I got over my momentary/internal rant, I swallowed my pride, followed him out onto the track, and took my "punishment." He truly seemed to enjoy giving me my punishment by the way....I swear the man thinks I'm superwomen or something! During one of my "sprint" quarter miles,  I was so winded that I truly thought my lungs were going to heave out of my mouth at any moment!  If I didn't love my family so much, I may have just lied down on the track and died right then and there!  Okay,  okay maybe not, but it sure felt that way!

When the torture ended,  I felt this odd sense of accomplishment.  It amazes me the huge spectrum of emotions I can go through when I run.  In this case,  I was sure death was immanent, and now I was feeling surprisingly... good.  I was also feeling  joy....what a strange emotion to feel after being tortured!!!

What a Trip!

Ready,Set, Go Day 1

I have been jogging for about a month and a half now, and have worked my way up to being able to jog for 20 minutes. (YAY)  As I was jogging, (very slowly, definitely not breaking any speed records) my calves and shins began to burn really bad.  WOW!  Now, I know I am not a lot of things, but the one thing I prided myself in was that I am tough.  I've given natural child birth for goodness sake!  If you hear my husband tell the story,  my pain tolerance is almost Legendary! However, about halfway through my run the burning pain became so intense that I could almost envision one of those plants from a horror movie, that wrap their vines around you, and  I could just see the vines cutting through my muscles!  At one point I contemplated sawing off my legs at the knees, and army crawling the rest of the way home!

Don't worry, I didn't do anything that drastic,  instead  I prayed and was able to somehow finish my twenty minute run.  I believe God is humbling me.  To go from a track "star" and not even really working at it, to a person who can not even get through a slow jog without a pleading prayer of  "please God, don't let me die, is embarrassing to say the least.

Sooo the reconciling of what once was and is now continues.......


I am a 36 year old mother of four,  who struggles with her weight.  It hasn't always been this way.  I was young, thin, and quite athletic once upon a time.  I had the luxury as a young women to eat whatever I wanted and never gain weight.  I consumed mostly junk.  My staples in high school were, Mt Dew, snickers, and anything greasy and fried from the Montrose Irish Pub.  I would trade...almost anything during school lunches for someones mashed potatoes and gravy....Yummy!  In College I stayed with these trends and added anything with extra, extra cheese, and of course a healthy side of sour cream or ranch!  I do love all things yummy, and have an innate talent for making even healthy choices, unhealthy.  My best friend in College ( Angie) would always shake her head at the amount of food I could consume, and still remain quite thin.  Unfortunately I never got the memo that when you have children, your metabolism takes a nose dive off of a cliff, and you can no longer eat with out consequence.

So fast forward 12 years, and here I sit, overweight, completely out of shape, and trying to reconcile how things once were to how they are now.  Don't get me wrong, I know how I got here, terrible eating habits, not taking time to exercise, 7 pregnancies(3 miscarriages) in 12 years, and focusing on everyone, but me.  I think most mothers go through a period in their lives where they are so busy taking care of everyone else....they forget they have to take care of themselves along the way.  For me,  my world became very small, and completely revolved around my husband and children.  The thing I've learned from this is that if I don't take the time to take care of myself,  I can't take very good care of them.

So I have set a goal!  I have joined a team called the LIFE runners, and plan to run my first half-marathon!  I will be chronicling my journey from a physical, spiritual, and mental perspective, from now until the finish line of the Kansas City marathon/half marathon on Oct 15, 2011.  The reason I have chose to do this is because my health alone does not seem to be enough motivation for me, so I am choosing to run for Life!

You are officially invited to join me on my journey of faith, brokenness, and victory through Christ our Lord!