I've done an 8 and 9 mile training run in the last couple weeks. You would think that would build confidence in me, yet as my half-marathon approaches I am nervous. I am battling many of the things I have along the way. For example I am struggling with the fact that I've only lost 10 lbs. Not only have I changed my diet entirely, but I am exercising regularly as well. I'm also struggling with my need to be competitive. I know If I could just lose the weight that would help improve my ability to run faster. I am being way to hard on myself as of late, and not celebrating the victories. It is really wearing on me. I know I will finish my half-marathon, I just struggle with the fact that it will probably be a really slow time. As I am writing this, I'm thinking how crazy that is. I should be happy that I got out there and ran and finished 13.1 miles. This is probably one of my greatest struggles in this life. I expect so much more out of myself, than is realistic. I think I should be able to run my own business, raise 4 children, be involved in all of the stuff I am, be a super mom and make treats for the kids, and be super involved in their schools, and have a clean house, lose 60lbs in the blink of an eye and be a super competitive, fit half-marathon runner. I am always falling short of where I want to be. Then I get frustrated, and discouraged.
I am realizing that all of these expectations I have for myself set me up for failure. I am also beginning to realize that a lot of these expectations stem from pride. Man I am a proud person! I knew I was stubborn and strong willed, but WOW! So maybe it is a blessing in disguise that I haven't lost the weight. Maybe God is trying to teach me patience and humility. Don't get me wrong, I think it is okay to be a driven and always push yourself to be the best, but I think that when you don't realize all your goals, you need to be able to humbly accept that and try and see what God has for you in that. I have trouble with the latter. I guess I'm realizing that my drive has been a need for me to reach excellence, for me to be the very best. When I don't reach the level, I think I should, I get discouraged. I always have been a bit of a dreamer! I am trying to shift that, to make my focus be to always give glory to God in everything I do. In my mind, I know that is the right answer. I just need to get out of God's way.
So if running this Half-marathon overweight and slow is what needs to happen to get myself out of the way, I will do it. I will not let the discouragement keep me down, or the frustration hold me back. I am once again remembering Phil 4:13 " I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me" That doesn't mean that I can do all things excellent or perfect, it means that if I keep God as my motivation, I can do it, for his Glory.....NOT my own.
