Thursday, September 8, 2011

Perfection is unrealistic, humility is not.

I've done an 8 and 9 mile training run in the last couple weeks.  You would think that would build confidence in me, yet as my half-marathon approaches I am nervous.  I am battling many of the things I have along the way.  For example I am struggling with the fact that I've only lost 10 lbs.  Not only have I changed my diet entirely,  but I am exercising regularly as well.  I'm also struggling with my need to be competitive.  I know If I could just lose the weight that would help improve my ability to run faster.  I am being way to hard on myself as of late, and not celebrating the victories.  It is really wearing on me.  I know I will finish my half-marathon,  I just struggle with the fact that it will probably be a really slow time.  As I am writing this,  I'm thinking how crazy that is.  I should be happy that I got out there and ran and finished 13.1 miles.  This is probably one of my greatest struggles in this life.  I expect  so much more out of myself, than is realistic.  I think I should be able to run my own business, raise 4 children, be involved in all of the stuff I am, be a super mom and make treats for the kids, and be super involved in their schools, and have a clean house, lose 60lbs in the blink of an eye and be a super competitive, fit half-marathon runner.   I am always falling short of where I want to be.  Then I get frustrated, and discouraged.

I am realizing that all of these expectations I have for myself set me up for failure.  I am also beginning to realize that a lot of these expectations stem from pride.  Man I am a proud person!   I knew I was stubborn and strong willed, but WOW!  So maybe it is a blessing in disguise that I haven't lost the weight.  Maybe God is trying to teach me patience and humility.   Don't get me wrong,  I think it is okay to be a driven and always push yourself to be the best,  but I think that when you don't realize all your goals,  you need to be able to humbly accept that and try and see what God has for you in that.  I have trouble with the latter.  I guess I'm realizing that my drive has been a need for me to reach excellence, for me to be the very best. When I don't reach the level, I think I should, I get discouraged. I always have been a bit of a dreamer! I am trying to shift that, to make my focus be to always give glory to  God in everything I do.  In my mind, I know that is the right answer.  I just need to get out of  God's way.

So if running this Half-marathon overweight and slow is what needs to happen to get myself out of the way, I will do it.  I will not let the discouragement keep me down, or the frustration hold me back.   I am once again remembering Phil 4:13 " I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me"  That doesn't mean that I can do all things excellent or perfect,  it means that if I keep God as my motivation, I can do it, for his Glory.....NOT my own.