Today is two months since Liam was stillborn. I feel I must preface this post with a disclaimer. I want everyone to know I am still seeking professional consultation for both physical and emotional aftershocks of Liam's death and the still birth. I also must let you know that the emotions and feeling I type are where I am at, and I know that it is all part of grieving, healing and moving forward. However, I don't plan to sugar-coat a thing. I am firmly planted in stages 3 and 4 of the grieving process. (Yes I researched it.) It's that part of me that needs to know the why of things.
I am angry. I am angry Liam died. I am angry that no matter how hard I try I can not find the positive in this situation. I am angry that certain people in my life who I thought I could count on, I can't. I'm angry that people apologize for a certain behavior, yet d0 nothing to change it. I am angry that I am ALWAYS supposed to be the bigger person and forgive and move forward, yet they do nothing to change any hurtful behavior towards me. I am angry that I am depressed, I am angry that I am angry. Over all I am thoroughly PISSED OFF! This is stage 3 of the grieving process.
Stage 4 is being depressed. I am depressed. I am sad. I feel like my brain is in a fog. I miss details I normally wouldn't. My emotions are raw. I cry at the drop of a hat, I get mad at the drop of the hat. I am oversensitive and my feelings get hurt way to easy. I'm defensive and again royally pissed off.
I did my diet for a month, lost 18 lbs, but had to quit because I don't have the emotional fortitude right now to apply that kind of energy and focus that is needed. My running is hit and miss. I ran for about a week, quit for about a week. This week I've ran twice with plans to run with a friend tomorrow as well. My shins hurt, my calves burn, I feel like all the tendons in my legs are just going to snap because they get so tight and burn while I run. I know this is due to my weight. I gained 60 lbs while pregnant with Liam, due to progesterone injections and the prednisone. My Doc informed "you are going to get very big on these medications" That's another reason I'm angry. It is one thing to go through all this and have an alive baby. It is worth it. Right now, it just sucks......Liam died, and I got fat. I'm sure that sounds vain....but it is how I feel.
I feel completely alone and abandoned by God. I have tried really hard to live my life in a way that he has asked of me. I have been open to life, I have never used contraception. I sacrifice my own health to carry my babies.....I am incredibly sick during pregnancy. I have tried to do what he asks of me, yet 5 of my children have died. Why? What could that possibly teach me? What could possibly be the point?
Some days are definitely better than others. I am sure for my post you can tell what kind of day it has been. I know I am being negative, I know that I have many blessings, I know that being pissed off isn't going to do anyone any good, especially me. I know that forgiving those that hurt me is in my best interest, because the anger only hurts me. They have already proven they could care less. I know that God has not abandoned be. I know that he loves me. There is a huge gap between the feeling and the knowing right now. I had someone ask me the other day, "How can you still keep believing when you feel this way. I told them, Because Faith is not about a feeling it is a choice. I choose to believe, despite the feelings I have. I choose to continue to go to church, even when I don't want to. I choose to continue to try and forgive those who hurt me, even though I feel really mad about it. I choose Christ, because I know he chose me.
So that is where I am at in a nutshell. Please continue to pray for me. I have tried to will myself through this, because that is what I do. However I can't. So I guess that means I just have to walk through this. So I will keep going one day at a time, one step at a time. I will survive, because that is what I know how to do.