I went for a run this morning with a dear friend. I should call it more of a walk in all reality. We started out running, talking and of course then came the tears. I couldn't run and cry, so I walked, talked and cried. God love her! She just walked and listened.
I have been struggling with the fact that I am so angry. I don't want to be. I actually get mad that I'm angry which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever! My Friend of course informs me that God can handle it, and I just need to let it out. I struggle with this because, well, it's Jesus! He died for my sins; He suffered greatly to save me! I feel so guilty at the thought of being angry at Him. One of the things I have been most angry about is that I am having a hard time finding purpose, meaning and a reason for Liam's death. It all just seems so unjust. I cant find a positive thing about it.
The other day, I went and prayed at the Eucharistic Chapel at OLV. Usually when I pray there I find peace. I found none that day. In fact I left feeling more frustrated than when I arrived. I pleaded with God, "Please just give me the answer, show me the purpose in all of this...tell me why? I need to understand!" I didn't get the answer on my heart. I didn't find any peace. All I heard and felt was silence.
As I have been thinking about things, I believe the answer came to me today. The answer is there is no reason, purpose or answer that would ever help resolve the pain and loss I feel over Liam's and my other boys deaths. There is no reason or purpose that is ever good enough to justify the loss of life. It is tragic, and that is all there is to it. At first I thought, "Wow that seems like a pretty hopeless outlook," but as I have continued on with this thought process I believe that God is leading me somewhere. I think I have a VERY good understanding as to what the value of a single life is. I have lost 5 children, and the pain is so deep and so real. My heart is pierced and broken. There are times that I am so overwhelmed with the pain and suffering and loss that it truly takes my breath away. I believe that is why I get angry because it is easier to be mad than to feel a pain like it is ripping your soul to shreds. The more I reflect on this the more I become convinced that I have only gained a small understanding as to what the value of a life is.
I think that we as humans can't even begin to grasp how truly valuable life is. God above GAVE His only Son, so that we might have eternal life. I can't even adequately put into words the anguish I feel over the loss of my sons, and to think God WILLING took on that sacrifice for my life. I have known this my entire life, I have repeated it time and time again, and I have shared emphatically with others this truth. I have stood up for life my entire life. I have advocated for young, old, disabled, newborn, and preborn for as long as I can remember. I thought I GOT it. I thought I knew how valuable life is, yet in one of my greatest hours of pain when I did not think I could hurt anymore because of the losses I have suffered I became convinced that I don't have a clue what infinite value is. My mind and my heart can not truly grasp it.
So the question now is since there is no reason or purpose good enough for the loss of life how do I reconcile this in my mind to help me move forward? For any of you who have read my blog previously, you know that I have to have a reason, answer, purpose or something or my brain just can't handle it. So I am faced with more questions. Can I be okay with the answer if there is no answer? Can I make sense of this enough to try and heal and move forward? As I think about these things, I realize that there truly is no purpose in his death; however there was purpose for his life. It doesn't matter that is was short. It doesn't matter that others didn't have a relationship with him. It doesn't matter that I never got to see him smile, laugh, cry, sleep or grow. I love him so completely with every fiber of my soul. I love him. I love him unconditionally. I love them all unconditionally. So I guess I will find my purpose in their lives. Short as they were, there is always meaning and purpose in that.
I don't know if this is even making sense to anyone but me. I believe that in this suffering I am going through, Jesus has allowed me a glimpse of how much he truly loves us. It is almost crushing the sheer magnitude of it. In the end, I will cling to the fact that Jesus does have victory over death, and at the end of this life, I will see my children again. So as Steve's Grandma Mary always use to say: "It's only so long for a little while."