Friday, June 14, 2013

The beginnings of acceptance.

After my last post, I had many people reach out to me.  Some were women who have gone through this, some were people in my life that cared, and some that were concerned for my health.  THANK YOU!  I am very blessed to have so many people in my life, that truly care about me.  I wanted to reassure any that were worried, that I am doing okay.  I am seeking professional help both physically and emotionally.  I started on an anti-depressant right away, but after being on it, my Dr. and I decided it wasn't helping me. I felt like a zombie on it.  I didn't feel deep sadness, but I didn't feel happiness either, It essentially made me numb and was AWFUL.  I do not have a chemical imbalance, therefore, those drugs are no use to me.

I have had some lingering side effects physically, but nothing serious.  I am doing as well as can be expected.  I'm able to laugh, smile, find joy, and live my life.  Sometimes I think in this society, that we want to fix everything for everyone, because we care.  However, sometimes to find healing, you HAVE to walk through the pain. There is no magic pill, or simple answer that will take this away.  I lost my son.  I have lost five sons.  The loss is deep, the pain is incredible, the loneliness is there, however, I am lucky.  I have my faith.

I believe that death and disease, have come into this life through Sin. God made us to live forever with him, but the human race fell, when Adam and Eve chose to disobey.  I don't believe for a moment that it was God's Will that Liam died, or any other of my Children.  I believe that those things happened, because of Sin. I'm not saying it was a punishment for my own personal sin, I'm say that sin is the tool that Satan uses to lure us away from God. I'm saying that death and disease are a result of sin. The only way to counter it, is to cling to Jesus.

Right after Liam died, I was angry at God.  Not a why did you do this, but why did you allow this?  I don't believe this side of heaven, I will ever understand the answer to that.  I believe whole heartedly that I don't see or even begin to comprehend the bigger picture, but what I do know is that God Loves me.  It hurts him, to see me hurt.  Just like it hurts me, to see my children hurt.  However as a parent sometimes we have to allow them to hurt to grow. I am no longer angry.  When I hurt the most, I sing and I praise Jesus from the depth of my soul, and it is in that , that I have begun to find peace and acceptance.

I don't know what I will learn from all of this, or in which ways I will grow, but I do know that I will. I have seen many things in my life.  I have felt incredible pain in my life.  I have been the brunt of cruel jokes, I have been judged unfairly, I have been persecuted, I have been despised.  I have been an outcast, I have felt incredible loss, loneliness, despair, and pain, and I would not trade a moment of it.  I have grown, and on the flip side, I have felt incredible happiness, I have laughed, I have been accepted, I have been loved, and I have found hope, peace and much joy.  My oldest daughter asked me once "Mom, why do you keep having kids, when you lose them?  Doesn't it hurt to much?"  I told her  yes the hurt is incredible, but the love is even more incredible. I am thankful for every brief moment I was able to hold my children in my womb.

For all the hurt I have felt, I have felt happiness.  I don't believe I would appreciate the happiness to the level I do now if I have never suffered.  The thing I've learned in my life is there can be beauty found in the pain we go through.  I'm guessing to some that sounds a little twisted, but what I mean is that if you look at things that happen in your life as an opportunity to learn and grow, and ways to bring you closer to Christ, instead of something being done to you and you are helpless against it, you can find beauty in that.

The loss of a child is agonizing.  It is the deepest and most incredible pain I have ever felt. However, I believe that Liam, Gabriel, Shane, Ryan and Timothy, will teach me more about love than I could ever understand this side of heaven. I believe that the way to short amount of time I got to spend with them on this earth, will help me live my life to Glorify God in a way I could not have done without them.

In the end, I share my thoughts, my heart and pain to help me find healing, but to hopefully also help others not feel alone.  I know too many women, men and families have gone though this.  I share my journey to help many hurting find a voice.  We are in a battle with the culture of death.  People do not value life inside the womb like they should.  Many of us have been hurt by others who try to dismiss our loss. I for one won't stand for it anymore.  If people want to judge let them, but I will fight for the value of everyone of my children's lives.


I know I will get through this.  I have God.  When I feel like the grief is consuming me, I fix my eyes on Jesus, and I am able to walk on the raging sea of loss.  Thank you all who reach out to me,  Thank you all who love me.  I can't put into words what it means.  Please keep praying for me.  I know I can't do this without Jesus, and I know that prayer truly changes things.

Quick update on the diet and training.  I have lost 14lbs in two weeks.  YAY!  I am also getting my shoes training starts bright and early Monday morning.  I am already registered for the Crazy Horse Half-Marathon......HERE I COME!

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