Today I ran 2.93 miles. I have been doing runs based on time, 20 min to 25 min, and then on to 30 min. . So far this training period, my running has been SLOW. I am finding it very hard to push myself. I ran a 4.63 mile run on Saturday, and begged my hubby to run with me, because I know I will never get any faster if I don't push myself. Sometimes when I am running I get so lost in my thoughts, yes I am a expert daydreamer, that means I don't realize my pace, and that usually means I go slow. Today I decided to map out a 5k course and start running that each day to get me ready to start my half-marathon training. So I map out my course, and head out. I offered up my run in prayer and then I started focusing on my pace. Yesterday when I ran the 30 min, I ran crazy slow, like a 13 min mile pace. I wanted to finish my 5k in 33 min. So I started running. The times I felt myself slowing, I would push myself harder. As I am coming upon the finish I am excited, because it looks like I am going to finish my run in the 33 min goal. I crossed the finish point and I was pumped.....33 min exactly! I did my cool down walk the rest of the way home and go in the house and share the news with my hubby. I tell him I am going to go log my time on Map my run, so I can get my pace. As I review the map, and the 5k course map, I marked out, I notice there is a little side street highlighted that I don't run, I wasn't sure how that happened so I adjust my course, and realize that I didn't do a 5k in 33 min, but only 2.93 miles. Which was the equivalent of and 11 min 25 sec pace mile. I was bummed.
As I re share the actual stats from my morning run with Steve, I tell him how disappointing it was. He was completely baffled by my disappointment. He tells me how I'm still at the beginning of my training, that I've only been running a few weeks, and I am running faster than when I started last year. I know he is right. It is just that now I have sent this goal to try and reach the two hour mark in my half-marathon, part of me is panicking. I will have to run around a nine minute twelve second mile pace. I in my mind can not comprehend how (when I am pushing myself) I am running a 11 min 25 sec mile pace, how I will ever be able to run 13 .1 miles at a 9 min mile pace. I know I am getting ahead of myself I still have twelve weeks of training and hopefully 50 more pounds to drop by then, but for some reason, I don't see it happening.
I have struggled with this my whole life. I set a goal, and then the self doubt creeps in. I had someone say to me recently, "You just put your mind to something, and you do it, that is AWESOME." I honestly felt a little guilty accepting what I consider a compliment, because oh how do I struggle! I vacillate between thinking, I can do this, and oh no, I have set myself up for failure...this goal is way to lofty for me to obtain. Then I start obsessing and get myself all worked up, and then I feel discouraged. Okay probably a little to much insight into my crazy thought processes for you, but that is my daily struggle.
As I contemplated my disappointment, I reminded myself, that I am way ahead of where I was two years ago, when I didn't get off the couch. I reiterated to myself what Steve told me this morning about being at the beginning of my training. I need to stop projecting to October and concentrate on the small victories I have each day. Today I ran almost three miles. Today I pushed myself. Today I got out of bed. Today I weigh less than I did last year at this time by almost 20 lbs. Today I tried.
I am always the first one to celebrate the tiniest victories for other people, but I don't always allow myself the same courtesy. I can see that God is using this journey to teach me to be a little kinder to myself. I am realizing that while it is the most natural thing in the world for me to be kind to others, I don't know how to be kind to myself. Man, God is so much smarter than me! :)