Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Reaching for goals, and fighting discouragement

Today I ran 2.93 miles.  I have been doing runs based on time, 20 min to 25 min, and then on to 30 min. .  So far this training period, my running has been SLOW.  I am finding it very hard to push myself.  I ran a 4.63 mile run on Saturday, and begged my hubby to run with me, because I know I will never get any faster if I don't push myself.  Sometimes when I am running I get so lost in my thoughts, yes I am a expert daydreamer,  that means I don't realize my pace, and that usually means I go slow. Today I decided to map out a 5k course and start running that each day to get me ready to start my half-marathon training. So I map out my course, and head out. I offered up my run in prayer and then I started focusing on my pace.  Yesterday when I ran the 30 min, I ran crazy slow, like a 13 min mile pace.  I wanted to finish my 5k in 33 min.  So I started running. The times I felt myself slowing, I would push myself harder.  As I am coming upon the finish I am excited, because it looks like I am going to finish my run in the 33 min goal.  I crossed the finish point and I was pumped.....33 min exactly!  I did my cool down walk the rest of the way home and go in the house and share the news with my hubby.  I tell him I am going to go log my time on Map my run, so I can get my pace.  As I review the map, and the 5k course map, I marked out, I notice there is a little side street highlighted that I don't run, I wasn't sure how that happened so I adjust my course, and realize that I didn't do a 5k in 33 min, but only 2.93 miles.   Which was the equivalent of and 11 min 25 sec pace mile.  I was bummed.

As I re share the actual stats from my morning run with Steve, I tell him how disappointing it was.  He was completely baffled by my disappointment.  He tells me how I'm still at the beginning of my training, that I've only been running a few weeks, and I am running faster than when I started last year.  I know he is right.  It is just that now I have sent this goal to try and reach the two hour mark in my half-marathon, part of me is panicking.  I will have to run around a nine minute twelve second mile pace.  I in my mind can not comprehend how (when I am pushing myself)  I am running a 11 min 25 sec mile pace, how I will ever be able to run 13 .1 miles at a 9 min mile pace.  I know I am getting ahead of myself I still have twelve weeks of training and hopefully 50  more pounds to drop by then, but for some reason, I don't see it happening. 

I have struggled with this my whole life.  I set a goal, and then the self doubt creeps in.  I had someone say to me recently, "You just put your mind to something, and you do it, that is AWESOME."  I honestly felt a little guilty accepting what I consider a compliment, because oh how do I struggle!  I vacillate between thinking, I can do this, and oh no, I have set myself up for failure...this goal is way to lofty for me to obtain.  Then I start obsessing and get myself all worked up, and then I feel discouraged.  Okay probably a little to much insight into my crazy thought processes for you, but that is my daily struggle.

As I contemplated my disappointment,  I reminded myself, that I am way ahead of where I was two years ago, when I didn't get off the couch.  I reiterated to myself what Steve told me this morning about being at the beginning of my training.   I need to stop projecting to October and concentrate on the small victories I have each day.  Today I ran almost three miles.  Today I pushed myself.  Today I got out of bed.  Today I weigh less than I did last year at this time by almost 20 lbs. Today I tried.

I am always the first one to celebrate the tiniest victories for other people, but I don't always allow myself the same courtesy.  I can see that God is using this journey to teach me to be a little kinder to myself.  I am realizing that while it is the most natural thing in the world for me to be kind to others, I don't know how to be kind to myself. Man,  God is so much smarter than me! :)

1 comment:

  1. Tina,
    I definitely share the same struggle of fighting discouragement when reaching for goals (especially with running), and I can even relate to your 'crazy thought process' too! :) I also find it much easier to encourage others for their small victories because I nearly always downplay my own. Lately though, God has been working in my life to lift me up out of my own discouragement and fill my heart with gentleness towards my efforts. It sure seems like a long journey of growth though! Tomorrow I will offer up my mass intention as a prayer for you when you run. I will pray that the graces of the Holy Spirit will lift up your heart and fill it with the gentleness of our Blessed Savior! Blessings to you as you train for October, and I hope to see you there!
    Your sister in Christ,