Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Grace poors down like rain

Last Friday as I headed out for my morning run,  I headed out with a very heavy/anxious heart. I had been thinking about my miscarriages, which has been the first time in a while.  I honestly try to avoid thinking about it, because I get sad.....but my mind had been thinking of my four lost children a lot the few days prior to my run.  So as I ran, I prayed....I offered up my run and asked God to help me understand why I was thinking about this.  After my miscarriage in March/April, I had a bunch of tests done.  The Doc said that anything over three miscarriages is indicative of there being more than just the odds.  So we waited six weeks after the miscarriage, and they drew like two gallons of blood...okay not that much, but a lot....something crazy like 22 vials of it, and sent it off to Mayo clinic for the testing.  Three weeks later I got a letter in the mail  stating that most of my blood work looked normal, and at this point it appears that I have something called a Lymphocyte compatibility disorder.  A who what??????  I called the Dr office and the explanation I received was that there is something incompatible between my husband and I's lymphocytes?  HUH?  Essentially what it means is that because of the compatibility thing.....my body doesn't always produce the protecting amino acids/hormones it needs to identify the baby as not a threat.  So in other words,  My immune system sees the baby as a threat to the body, and goes on the offensive.  There is speculation that since Steve has an autoimmune disorder, if that is passed on in the genetics, my body sees it as a foreign entity....but it is speculation.....we don't know why for sure. We do know that it can be treated with a low dose of prednisone during pregnancy.

I thought knowing why I had miscarriages would help..... I always think if I understand something it would help me cope..... it didn't help at all.  Initially I was numb and a little angry.  It just kinda sat there.  I wasn't sure what to do, or  how to process the information.  I still felt pretty indifferent about it up until my last few runs.  On Friday when I was running,  I was thinking of my little ones....I know that two of them were boys, and I named them Shane Mathew, and Gabriel Martin.  The first two miscarriages I had,  I had never gotten a feeling, or names as to if the babies were boys or girls, or what to name them.  As I was praying I was thinking about what it would be like to see my children in heaven one day,   and I thought how happy I would be to hold sweet Shane and Gabriel, and  Ryan and Timothy.  I was taken aback momentarily, because I just knew those were their names.   It is kinda funny because those two names have never even been on a list of possible names.  They are both great names, but not ones I would have picked.  God gave me the names of my other two angels in heaven.....What a gift.  My first miscarriage was over Ten years ago  I've gone that long not knowing Timothy's name,  and God shared it with me,  it is a humbling and wonderful gift.  I came home after that run, and my heart felt a little lighter.

I went out the next day for my run and again I had a heavy heart.   I offered up my run and began praying my rosary.  As I ran and as I prayed  I began to feel healing.  I know that sounds weird, but I could feel my heart becoming lighter.  I finally acknowledged how truly sad,  and angry I was over losing Gabriel.   I have a tendency to just jump to what I think is the right answer "well I don't understand why, but God will get me through",  but I don't always allow myself to walk through the emotion I need to find healing.  For the last few months, I've been saying I'm not angry,  I know God will carry me through,  and even though I have no doubt God has been carrying me through.....I really have been quite pissed off!  I gave my anger and my sadness over to God.  I was overcome by joy and awe.   I Feel So blessed.   I Think of what a miracle the four Children I have living here with me are.   I miss my four in heaven, but God has blessed me and entrusted me with four amazing Gifts.  Medically it seems to be a huge miracle to me....I have this compatibility thing, and yet I have four amazing Children....WOW.

Today I went out for my 3 mile run, and I felt lighter.  I offered up my run and began my prayers.  I felt strong and encouraged, and happy.  As I cross my "finish line"  I look at my watch.  I ran 3.04 miles in 30 min and 30 seconds.....According to map my run,  my mile pace was a 10 min. mile pace.  My fastest pace....last week was an 11 min 25 second mile pace and that was for a 2.93 mile.  1 min 25 seconds off my mile pace.....not too shabby.  God is GREAT!

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