Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Moving forward..... one foot in front of the other.

Mon. Aug 1st

I have been so exhausted from the weekend.  I was awake for close to 36 hours straight, and haven't slept well since.  Every muscle in my body aches....for no reason other than exhaustion, and I have absolutely no motivation to run.... So I didn't.

Tues Aug 2nd
 I am still exhausted, and just completely drained of energy.  The energy I do have I devote to  getting the basics done.  Sarah's seizure, and the fear it instills in me have been on my mind more than anything.  I am still struggling with motivation, but know I must get out to run....Its been four day!  So I go out to run, I get about a mile in, and am cramping all over.  I have to walk the rest of the way.  I only got about a mile of running in, and walked a little over two.

Wed. Aug 3rd
I still was not able to get out of bed this am.  However I did get out for a run tonight.  As I was running I started pleading with God to lift this exhaustion and lethargy from me.  I know Sarah's seizure stressed my out, but it was like I was just shutting down, and going through the motions.  I asked God to help me understand why I was feeling this way, and he did.  As I was running, God and I had the following Conversation:  When I asked him why I was feeling this way,  he told my heart that it was because I felt helpless, and powerless against what was going on with Sarah.  I knew this to be true. I hate feeling helpless.  I don't know what to do, or what the right answer is, I don't know how I am supposed to protect Sarah from this, and every bit of my motherly instinct is telling me that it is my job to protect her.  As I ran I realized I was fighting an internal war.  My instinct telling me on thing, and my faith another.....  I am not able to protect her from this.  I can't keep this from falling on her.  All I can do is trust in Jesus.  I realized that by shutting down, that I wasn't helping Sarah, or anyone for that matter.  I know in my heart that I need to push forward, and keep putting one foot in front of another.  I am no good to Sarah if I am locked up by a battle within.  As I pray I give Sarah back to God, as I did, after her first two seizures.  I found comfort in words that my dear friend Sr. Francelle had written me in an email.  "God loves Sarah even more than you do."  I know that this is what I need to do.  I will continue to look into medically what is going on with Sarah, and advocating for her health and well-being.  I know my number one responsibility is to teach her about Jesus.  To do that the right way, I need to trust, no matter what sufferings may befall me.  I know for a mother to see their child suffer in anyway is excruciating,  and I think of what Mother Mary suffered to see Jesus suffer for me.  I ended my 3 miles feeling a little lighter of heart.

Thursday Aug 4th
I didn't get out to run

Friday Aug 5th
I am still struggling with fatigue.  I have not been able to get up early once this week to run, but I did get out to night again.  I am still battling my instinct, but I have a little more peace in my heart today.  I know that whatever lies ahead as long as I am focused on Jesus I will be okay.  Now don't get me wrong. I still have the moments of doubt and fear....it is a battle,  but my reason and my will have to win out, and I know the truth lies with Jesus. I ran another 3 today.  I'm doing my best to keep going....one foot in front of the other.

Sat. Aug 5th
I got up early today....due to the fact I was meeting a friend this morning.  We are doing a 5 mile run today.  Her daughter drove us 5 miles out, and dropped us off.  As we begin our run,  I of course start talking of Sarah and my struggles.  It just pours out of me,  my frustration, concern, I don't even realize what pace I am keeping, realizing later that I am going way to fast. My friend Jean, just listened as I vented.  As we talked I of course begin to talk about my run earlier in the week, where I felt God leading me.    The more I talked the better I felt.  Finally about half way through our run I realize I should probably slow a bit.  We slow our pace down, and I have it on my heart to pray.  Jean and I prayed a rosary as we ran.  I felt more and more at peace the more we prayed.  When we finished our rosary, Jean recommended we pray a Divine Mercy Chaplet since we had about 3/4 of a mile to go.  So we did that.  My legs were heavy and I was in a lot of pain.  I know I went way to fast the first couple miles.  I didn't have much left in me, but Jean encouraged me on..... I was able to finish. YAY! I just kept thinking  "I can do ALL things in Christ who strengthens me"

Sun. Aug 7th
I did not get out for a run today

Monday August 8th
I still am struggling with mornings, but got out this evening for a run.  I ran 3 miles.  It was a pretty good run.  I am still tired and very lethargic, but I am pushing through.  Sarah is doing GREAT.  She is so full of energy, and joy. Looking at her now, you would never realize she was in the hospital last weekend.  She has such a sweet spirit.  If I cough or anything, or even if I seem a little upset, she will put her sweet little hands on my face and say " you okay mommy?"  She sees me walk in a room and lights up like I am the greatest thing in the world.  She is loving to her brother and sisters, and thinks her daddy hung the moon.  Sometimes I am in awe at the Joy she brings into our lives.  She is a monkey, and has no fear.  Constantly climbing and jumping, and has absolutely no problem keeping up with her older siblings.  She is fiery and loving and has so much spunk!  She is one tough kid I tell ya!  I always joke that God made her full of the dickens for a good reason!  It brings me such peace and comfort each day to see her learn and explore her world.   She loves to get her own way, and is usually pretty good at getting it!  I laugh because she is a little spoiled, but it is by  her older brother and sisters!  The let her get away with A LOT, and tell me it is because she is sooo cute.  I thank God for her and all my children every day.  I often think that the love we have for our children is a glimpse into what Christ's love is for us.  Only I know his is  a perfect love.  Mine is not. 

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