Friday, March 9, 2012

Why is Discernment so hard?

I have completely failed as a blogger as of late.  I have to be honest, I love when I sit down and blog, it helps me put so many thoughts in order, yet It takes a great act of my will to do it.  I have not quite figured out why it takes so much motivation to do something that in the long run, helps me.  I guess it is kind of like my exercising.  I have fallen off the exercise wagon since my half-marathon in Oct.  I have tried repeatedly to get out there, but staying consistent has been the problem.  I go out one day and not the next, and so on and so forth. Before I know it another week has passed and I have a marathon relay coming up in May.  Procrastination is no longer an option.

I have been juggling so many emotions/thoughts/feelings as of late.  I am TERRIBLE when it comes to discernment.  It seems to be something that comes easy for some people, but for me, not so much.  I see contradicting signs in everything I try and follow.  Okay let me be more specific.  I have an incredible desire and overwhelming urge to do more in the arena of Pro-life. I've always been passionate about this, but lately it is a whole new level.  It is to a point where I feel I am going to burst some days.  I see things going on in our world today, and I am overcome with such passion and Zeal to take a stand and scream out against injustice, but I don't know how.  I am involved with the LIFE Runners (which I LOVE).  I started a pro-life committee at my Church, but it has had a hard time catching on and I'm losing committee members due to mostly other obligations.  I have tried to discern (with the help of my spiritual director) if this urge/desire I have is God calling me to action.  I feel it is, but everywhere I turn there are road blocks.  I am trying to be as creative as I can, but every avenue I take leads me to more questions and seemingly more roadblocks.  I pray regularly asking God to show me for sure if this is the way I should go, but it seems when I think it is other thoughts and questions come to mind.  For Example:  I feel strongly that God calls us to take a stand, and stand up in the name of love for those who can not stand up for themselves. Then I wonder if me desiring so deeply to do this is for lack of trust in God, what if it is because I feel like I need to somehow do something because I don't trust he can.  I really hope that is not the case.  I try desperately to always trust in him, but I will be honest, trust is hard for me.  I have been hurt by many in my life  that I thought I could trust, so sometimes I shy away from relationships getting to deep, so I don't have to be hurt. Yet I know God is not people and his love is perfect.

There is a lot of confusion right now, and I am a true believer that Satan uses confusion to try and distract us from God's will.  So is that what is going on?  That I am supposed to be doing this and Satan is trying to stop it?  Or does this mean this isn't what God is calling me to?  How do I know?  I guess that brings me back to my spiritual director.  Who tells me prayer and patience.  To wait on the Lord.  Did I mention I suck at waiting?  I wait to buy presents for people until the day they are supposed to get them, because the minute I have them, I want to give them to them.    Maybe the Lord is teaching me patience.  My spiritual director shared with me that blessed mother Theresa spoke of this desire and urge she had to help the poor, and it took six years of doors being shut, before she was able to start doing what she desired. Not that I am comparing myself to Mother Theresa, but  maybe the Lord is trying to teach me perseverance.   I think I might go loopy if I juggle with this for six years!  God help me!

I ask for all the blogger's out there who may read this to join me in prayer.  I could use extra prayers for peace,discernment, understanding and patience.  I love my Lord, and I truly want to serve him with all my heart.  I have always struggled with self doubt and trusting even in myself that things are sincere.  I so dearly yearn to be sincere and genuine, and always do things for the right reasons.  My desire to do things the right way for the right reasons has often caused me paralysis in my life.  I'm so afraid of doing the wrong thing, or doing it the wrong way, that I don't act.  Then again there are times that I am so overcome with emotion, that I act without thinking.  As I said in an earlier post I am one big contradiction. I wonder if this is what comes with being such a passionate person?

Well I hope this blog post comes off a lot less confusing than I think things are, or I may have just taken you on a journey of epic confusing proportions. :) Until next time!    

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